Later this week we’ll be announcing some good news about film festivals. After about seven years, the film is done.
It’s hard to describe what finishing this film feels like. If this was my second or third film I would at least have something to compare it to. But as a first film, and one so deeply personal, there is no experience quite like it.
My friends and family are all relieved. I’ve spent the past year saying, “we’re almost done,” so much so that I think they stopped believing me. But we were! We had a fine cut, then picture lock, then a sound mix, then color correction. Turns out the journey from editorially finished to technically finished is longer than I thought.
Looking back on these past few years has been a strange exercise. I used to complain a lot. We have a lot of footage of me speaking at length about wanting the film to be finished. I would remark to people in private about how I started making this film at the age when the enormity of these events were beginning to soften their hold on me. The film was some perverse way of getting re-entangled with all of the trauma and confusion of my childhood, this time as an adult, as a artist. I would imagine the freedom and clarity of having this film—and these events—behind me and long for that day.
And now that day has come. We have had opportunities to screen the film with small preview audiences, and I’m reminded of why I made the film.
It’s a strange ensemble of emotions playing right now. The excitement of meeting an audience; pride and relief in having finished it; trepidation in how it might be received.
A few people have asked me if it was worth it. If I’m honest, I can’t unequivocally say yes. I can say that I’ve reached some kind of peace with the events in my past and in the film. It’s hard to know if that was because of the filmmaking process, or if it was just the normal mellowing out that happens in one’s twenties. I can’t disentangle the two. Making this film will always be a part of my past, as much a part of who I am as the events I tried to address in the film itself.
Regardless, the film is done, I’m very proud of it, and I hope that by making it, it will do some good in this world.
I want to take a moment to thank everyone for their support along the way. We’ll be posting news about festivals and other screenings soon. So please check back here or follow us on Facebook.